"painful awareness"

i thought it was all supposed to 

flow 

like a silken river 

down the hill but 

turns out 

you have to make 

decisions. 

with  

shocking  

amounts of thinking through and weighing your options and  

heaps of  

"staying true to yourself" 

thrown in. whatever the fuck that means.  

nothing flows. 

nothing is a let loose and  

don't use your brains or that coiled, complicated  

mess inside your head. 

i so badly want to live vicariously.  

uproariously. 

live and love and float like an  

ecstatic drunk  

on billowy clouds 

but  

everything is  

painful 

awareness.