real festive season

how do i know when to stop?

when to lay back and let whatever pain

is coursing through blood and bones to

course. flow. have at me.

have at me! at my enfeebled spirit-

at my tired, weary body-

at my overwhelmed, overworked, faulty mind.

resistance to pain is more pain.

and i will not give pain the satisfaction.

i will lie in the bathtub filled to the brim with

scalding hot water and i will submerge my body

till the skin wants to protest and the mind begins to swim

but i will hold myself, hold myself

accountable, hold myself in the moment

for moment after moment after moment

till there is nothing but what is.

my hot tears will be melting into the water and there will be

a chill in the air most unwelcome

but i will be conscious of some

faraway enjoyment, of people laughing somewhere

and for a brief second i will smile and say,

“merry christmas, pain!”